The man, he had a lover. He had had that same lover for as long as he could remember. His father before him had had a lover, and his father before him. So it seemed only natural that he, too, should have the same vice. They met when he was young, while his father was busy with his own dalliance. She was colourful, rich, vibrant. She bubbled, she frothed, yet she was cool and aloof. She would titillate him, even then, her worldly ways bred in to her from her own genetic base, so much more advanced than her years. A flirt here, a tickle there, a promise of what could be in store, the taste she left on his tongue embedded in his brain long before he was old enough to legally even sample what she had to offer.
When legal age came, he was already addicted to her. She calmed his rage. She bolstered his ego. She gave him confidence that he could be, could do, anything he set his mind to. In the early years she was his mentor, his counsel, his judge. With her by his side he always knew what was right, what was just, what was to be.
From time to time, he strayed. It was only natural; he justified, trying other offerings. For wasn’t he young, strong, virile? And other offerings, they were always trying to catch his eye, tempt him away from his one true love. He sampled many, as is the way of the naive. Some younger, some older. Some richer, some with body, some with nothing more to offer than a good time for a night. She always forgave. He always returned. Still they paraded in front of him. In bars, the light would bounce from their adornments. Their coverings, gaudy, bright and eye catching called his name. Sample me, they said. Let me show you what I can do. From time to time the temptation they offered was too much and he caved, spending far too much money on their charm and beguile. Some were dark, mysterious, exotic. Some were as white as he. Some had money behind their title, years of breeding and an aristocratic name. Inevitably though, she always took him back. Her calling for him was unconditional.
Later in years, supposedly mature and married with children, he could not, would not give her up. She never seemed to age, she never seemed to change. When he argued with his wife, she consoled him. When he could not handle his growing children, she comforted him. When he lashed out with words or fists, it was to her waiting charms he retreated, knowing that she was there, always there, no judgment, just pure devotion to his every need. She soothed, she calmed, she caressed.
Old age came. His children, grown and moved on, shook their heads and washed their hands of him. His wife of many years continued to wait, hoping in vain he would see that she was the one, she would triumph, she would outlive the other love and all would as it should be. The wife did, indeed, outlive the other love. But her time of shining never came. See, she also outlived the man, who died alongside that lover, so entwined that together, they were as one.
She finally took him, that lover. She became so much a part of him, that there was no division between the two. His brain became so confused he could not tell day from night, mother from daughter, son from father. His body, once strong, betrayed him. His heart, finally broken beyond repair, altered course and beat to its own newly created erratic rhythm. The liver, overloaded from love, stopped working. And the mind went insane as it died, screaming her name, silently…









19 comments
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June 1, 2008 at 12:15 pm
debby
Oh, Alice…are you speaking of your own father?
My brother is a serial cheater. He just left his third wife, broken the heart of another child. His penis will always be more important than his children. I don’t understand these choices.
June 1, 2008 at 12:31 pm
alice
My addidtion post is about alchohol. Perhaps I should have said somewhere. I will go and edit now, thanks.
debby, I do not understand adultery either. Your brother must be so very confused.
June 1, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Melinda
Addictions, to food, alcohol, sex, drugs all serve the same purpose for those entrapped in them. Your post alludes to that function so clearly. so sadly. So sorry that you have had to suffer for another’s dependency. It seems so very unfair.
June 1, 2008 at 12:46 pm
alice
melinda
I am fine, really. I am so unlike my bloodline, A ‘Z’ for his ‘A’ . Polar opposite. I have no despair or sadness, anger or ill feeling, I grew and learned and journeyed myself, for my purpose was to stop the chain, break the link. I am the apple that fell so far from the tree it sprouted it’s own new life.
Yet it seems I have a story to tell. I know not where it springs from, I just find the words coming out ofthe fingertips.
I write them for me, and if others take something from them, so be it.
melinda, I love that you come back to read me. That is so awesome, thank you.
June 1, 2008 at 5:47 pm
bluemountainsmary
I knew that it was alcohol from about the third sentence.
Which made it so very powerful. Your strength shines through these posts you write about your father.
June 1, 2008 at 7:58 pm
peppermintpatcher
The personification of alcohol makes it very clear that your father had lost his priorities to addiction.
June 1, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Cottage Contessa
Sweetie I’m so sorry. I can sense your hurt in this post and for that I am sorry. Sending hugs and prayers your way friend.
Amanda (aka Cottage Contessa)
June 1, 2008 at 9:14 pm
debby
Okay. Gotcha. I was confused. I took your words literally. I did think “Gees. I thought that her dad died in a hospital from complications of long time alcohol abuse…” but being oblivious like I am, did see that you were speaking figuratively.
My brother’s children are confused, conflicted. He just picks up a new family, and if his ‘old’ kids have trouble adapting, *poof* they’re no longer part of his life. If his ex is angry and bitter, why it’s because SHE’S a terrible person. It will never, ever be that HE is behaving badly….no.
June 2, 2008 at 9:09 am
meggie
I too knew it was alcohol, & admired they way you wrote about the addiction, learned so early in his life.
My father died an alcoholic also. Perhaps I am lucky I didn’t really know him in that phase of his life.
We are unsure if he was alcoholic because of the genetic predeliction, or the sadness of his life.
You are so lucky to have escaped the demon.
June 2, 2008 at 10:41 am
alice
Thanks for your words, people. You are all appreciated.
It was a weird post to write. I could not sleep, got up, hammered it out in about 10 minutes then went back to bed and slept like a baby. When I awoke in the morning, I re-read it and wondered if it was too ‘heavy’ to post. But I did it anyway.
I am currently struggling with ‘Am I letting too much of my past life’ onto my blog.
Which is probably a post of it’s own.
June 2, 2008 at 11:11 am
debby
Sometimes there are powerful lessons to be learned in pulling out the past and taking a good hard look at it. Did you ever notice that when you put a past chaos into writing, somehow that irrationality just sort of forms its own logical presentation, and you begin to see it more sensibly? Perhaps you were driven from your bed to write for a reason. Sounds to me as if you’ve been wrestling with a lot of ghosts lately.
June 2, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Laura Jane
Ah Alice, beautifully and powerfully written.
Such empathy and forgiveness and insight. Written with blinkers firmly off. Its a bittersweet thing, but I still hear the love for him, in all his frailty. And the compassion for your Mum.
Blogging can be a form of journalling, and a way of sorting through some stuff. I don’t think you’ve shared too much.
We share your ache.
June 3, 2008 at 12:24 am
Lesley
Let it all out, Alice. It can only be a good thing.
And you do it so well.
June 3, 2008 at 5:10 am
Minnesota Matron
Lovely, evocative post. The liver comment clued me in. My father was also a alcoholic, but he died from a sudden heart attack at age 61, the day after my birthday and the day before Thanksgiving. His ashes sit on a shelf in the office where I write, now.
June 3, 2008 at 10:45 am
Fairlie
I think your writing is a wonderful way for you to work through some of your feelings about your past life. I don’t think you can put too much of something into your own blog – surely whatever you want to write is your own choice. You write whatever you feel you want or need to.
June 3, 2008 at 9:24 pm
alice
debby, think I am just mentally organising what was a chaotic life, physically. As things now come together, they are organised and filed. My head likes it that way.
Laura Jane, you are right, no blinkers any more. What gets me the most is that I have the (self given?) permission to organise and express these memories now. I am free to do so. Interesting, my choice of words.
Thank you lesley, very much.
minnesota matron, thanks for stopping by. Sorry to hear your father had a troubled life also. There are many kindred spirits, I find.
fairlie, thank you, those words are ringing true. Perhaps it’s just that I feel exposed sometimes, after a post.
I find it amazing you all keep coming back! Most humbling, thank you.
June 3, 2008 at 11:05 pm
M
Got the alcohol theme. So hard to live through. All of you.
June 10, 2008 at 12:00 pm
heartinsanfrancisco
I think that alcoholism touches nearly every life these days. My ex-husband was an alcoholic who died at age 50. My present husband’s mother died young of her alcoholism and barbiturate abuse, and his sister has the same problems.
My mid-fifties husband has early-onset Alzheimer’s, and I suspect that he was born with fetal alcohol syndrome. He was able to compensate until a few years ago, when he began losing words.
I do not drink at all, both because I don’t like the taste of liquor and because I seem to be allergic to it. While this made me feel like a misfit when I was younger, I now see it as a great blessing.
Your post beautifully expressed a most serious problem and clearly, needed for you to write it. Thank you for sharing this.
June 10, 2008 at 12:42 pm
rhubarbwhine
Hi hisfs, thanks for your comment and sincere words. Your story, also sad. I offer you a hug in the way someone who understands. Thanks also for the compliments on my post. I really appreciate them, thank you so much, most kind! I am adding you to my blogroll, I really love your posts and am slowly reading back through your work.